June 21, 2018

I think it’s called anxiety…

I’ve always been fortunate enough to never have experienced any mental health issues before having Noah. It’s hard to exactly pin point how you’re feeling, to label it makes it seem too official and somewhat harder to face up to. But I felt like it was really important to write this post about what I think might be classed as anxiety. To the outside world I’m confident, bubbly and secure in myself. And yes, 90% of the time I am. I love meeting new people, I’m loud and I genuinely love life. So maybe that’s what makes my bad days so much harder.

On my worst days I lack energy, motivation, confidence and seem to lose myself to negative thoughts. I’ll sit and think of all the things I’m doing wrong and doubt my ability to do anything. I’ll tell myself I’m a terrible mum, bad at my job and worst all of is I feel like an embarrassment. I’d hate to be that person that anyone was embarrassed of me but on my bad days, I wonder how on earth people want me in their life. My brain works overtime and I begin to think of all the worst case scenarios in my life to come. I think as time goes on I have more to lose. I’m so lucky with everything I have, a wonderful family and some amazing friends and often wonder where in life I’d be without them. I scare myself at the thought of losing my job that’s so heavily relied upon to feed our family. I’m scared I’ll end up sad and alone, with no job and nothing to show for life. I mean how could you not feel anxious if that’s what goes through your mind at a million miles per hour?!

Anxiety is crippling and it has no criteria to who it can affect. The more I research it and the more I talk about it, the greater my understanding and therefore the greater my control over it. I’m aware that it’s nearly always bought on by stress. The natural pressures of life through being a mummy, a stressful job, losing weight, keeping the house clean etc. There will always be stress but it’s how you learn to manage it that determines us.

For me, it’s spending time with my boy, doing something fun together or even just enjoying sofa snuggles, really puts life into perspective for me. Other methods of helping my anxiety include: going to the gym, doing my make up or having a pamper evening and spending time with another human. The worst thing for me is to be alone. Surrounding yourself with positive people that you feel really care about you can always make you feel worthwhile. Any tips from anyone about how you deal with anxiety? I’d love to hear any suggestions.

I didn’t write this for sympathy. I just wanted to show that there is always a hidden side to someone and if you’re reading and understand then to know that you are not alone. You can have everything you’ve ever dreamed of but still feel so sickeningly negative sometimes. We are only human and it’s natural when we have so much to lose but I won’t let anxiety be in control of me.

noahnpaultons

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