February 11, 2019

The Longest 12 Weeks…

I never knew that 12 weeks could go by so slowly! Counting down every day thankful to have got through another day. When I think back to my pregnancy with Noah, I was so lucky to breeze through it with no problems. I think that’s what made my problems this time worse because it wasn’t the ‘norm’ to me.

I was around 4 weeks when I found out I was pregnant. Whether you’re trying or not, when you see those two pink lines appear you’re completely overwhelmed by shock… excitement, fear and just a general feeling of ‘oh shit, am I ever going to sleep again?!’ Of course I felt so happy and grateful, which was a real difference to finding out I was pregnant with Noah because that was the biggest surprise of my life! Thank you sickness bug!!! 😂. The hardest bit was keeping this huge secret that bubbled inside of me!

I was around five weeks pregnant when I thought I’d lost the baby due to a bleed. That weekend was the most horrific weekend I’ve ever experienced! Waiting for more blood to come, to give me some closure to the overwhelming thoughts that raced through my head. I was so lonely and isolated because for some reason we have developed this culture of not telling people about a pregnancy until 12 weeks. So I sat alone, mind racing and google searching for hours on end… ‘how common is bleeding?…. how much blood is too much?…. am I having a miscarriage?!’ I thought I’d be googling baby names or shopping for clothes, but these google searches are ones I never thought I’d be doing. I couldn’t turn to social media for reassurance or to ask people’s experiences so I just sat, cried and waited not knowing if everything would be ok.

I had a scan at the early pregnancy unit at 6 weeks and I have never felt nerves quite this bad. I felt well and truly sick, not just nausea but violently sick to the bottom of my stomach to know whether this tiny and so-wanted baby was still there and ok! To my absolute shock and disbelief… there you were! A tiny little bean on the screen with an incredible flicker that was your heartbeat! I burst into tears through relief and the fact that for the first time in a long week, I had allowed myself to feel hope again! There were no obvious signs for bleeding and everything looked well! I was hoping that the nightmare was over and I could enjoy my pregnancy!

Once the bleeding had subsided, I felt fabulous! I kept thinking to myself, maybe I’ll be one of the lucky ones and skip the whole sickness thing I had with Noah. But by week 7 i was feeling like Absolute. Utter. Shit. Damn you brain for getting too ahead of yourself! You deserve this. When they say ‘morning sickness’ they don’t quite prepare you for the fact it’s all day long sickness. The kind that makes smelling the wrong foods make you heave and every odour possible is detectable. Plus with an energetic toddler to reign in, the whole ‘take it easy’ phase becomes a distant memory and I feel far more likely to become the next pope, than to have a chance to chill out for one bloody day.

By week 8 I still feel like utter shite. I’d unfortunately had another 4 bleeds and become somewhat disconnected from the pregnancy because I guess it was easier that way. It seemed like a never ending waiting game that I made my brain try to ignore because the waiting and not knowing could drive anyone mad. I had another scan at 8 weeks and there you were still going strong! I think I’ve probably got a right little monkey on my hands for all the drama their short existence has created!

By week 9/10 the bleeding had stopped I’m now feeling reassured and grateful for how horrendous I feel and must keep reminding myself that it will all be worth it in the end. At this point, I would just like a weeks holiday to sleep and hibernate like a hedgehog, however my annoying toddler won’t leave me alone for 5 minutes and proceeds to give me the Netflix remote while my head is down the toilet because he wanted ‘just one more Peppa!’ My doctor signed me off for two weeks to allow my body time to relax and ease the bleeding, which is exactly what I needed I think as I was emotionally and physically drained!

At 11 weeks pregnant, Noah was so poorly I took him to the doctors and he was diagnosed with suspected slap cheek! The doctor advised me to keep him away from pregnant woman until I asked him what actually I was suppose to do?! Due to complications during pregnancy if you contract it, I was sent for an emergency blood test and waited nervously for my results. It just felt like everything that could possibly go wrong had gone wrong! Luckily my results came back clear and I was immune which meant I must have had it during my childhood, so that was one less thing to worry about. In normal circumstances, I would have drank my entire body weight in wine, however it’s unfortunate that I couldn’t drown my sorrows away!

Shortly after returning to work, I reached the 12 week mark… hurrah!!! I began to allow myself to start relaxing into my pregnancy after no bleeds for 3 weeks. The scan determined my due date to be the 12th August and I can’t bloody wait! The first trimester is over now and the sickness has almost gone, I unfortunately constantly feel like a walking zombie and my skin has sooooo many breakouts! I’ve learned to give myself a break though, before being pregnant again I was always watching my weight and eating healthily but with this pregnancy I’ve learnt to eat whatever, whenever! I’ve also had to reduce my gym and exercise workouts because I literally have zero energy by time I’ve worked full time and looked after a toddler and puppy. The first trimester has actually kicked my arse so here’s hoping the second trimester is kinder to me!

The first trimester has truly been one of the hardest times of my life but I know that when I feel your kicks, hear your heartbeat and one day hold you in my arms… you’ll be worth it all! ❤️

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